Suicidal Ideation

I'm not suicidal. Don't worry. I'll never do anything because it would hurt my family and friends too much. I'm not going to lie though. Sometimes I wish something terrible would happen to me...just so I would have an excuse to leave this program and not look like a coward or weak...or at least to catch a break from this program and get some time to catch up on my life. I'd never put myself into a dangerous situation where something like that would happen. I know this sounds awful, and please don't be angry - but sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to people who love what they are doing in life and love their life...and why those things don't happen to me...when I really want them to happen to me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's honest. It's how I feel.