Health

My health has definitely been suffering - obviously mental health and physical health.

My sleep has been poor. I tend to toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night. I can't get myself out of bed most mornings. I don't even feeling like showering sometimes (but I do).

What really is annoying is that I know I am an emotional eater. I'll turn to foods that I crave when I get down in the dumps and feeling miserable. This will be fries, mozzarella sticks, and chips. Not the best food to be eating.

My digestion seems to be all sorts of messed up too. I won't get into the details about that, but yes, that seems to be a problem too.

Concentration, lethargy, sleeping too much...sleeping too little, irritable, ....oh the symptoms could go on and on and on

I'm actually seeing a therapist right now. At times I find it helpful, but when it feels like everything is going wrong (like this week so far) - I tend to forget about all the lessons learned and revert to my old ways. :/ Again another part of my life where I feel like I'm not making progress. Great.

Love

I have a huge network of family and friends - who I love.

I just have no luck in the department of finding a true love for the rest of my life. It's something I long for, and can never find. It's always someone that likes me that I just don't have a connection with or it's someone who likes me but only seems to want me around long enough to get me in bed or have me around to make their lives better when they need it.

I thought I met a great guy. We met almost 2 years ago. We used to talk online all the time and write emails, but that died down. He even read my other blog a lot. He never picked up the phone to call though. Recently he moved closer to where I live...about 3 hours away which is better than the distance that was between us before. Anyway, last month we hooked up. Had a great night out. He said all the right things. We didn't sleep together, but certainly got further than just kissing. Anyway - that is besides the point. I haven't heard from him since. I don't believe he's an evil person and I know he's adamant about working towards creating a career for himself, but it's still pretty shitty of him. I certainly don't want to make excuses for him either. Yes- I know, I've read that book and watched that movie - He's Just Not That Into You. I get it - he's not. I just had high hopes for him and admittedly, I still wish he'd realize what he's passing up.

I'm a pretty introverted girl. I'm attracted to extroverts. Go figure. I have no idea how to meet people. There are virtually no guys in my graduate school program and if there are - they are taken or they are not interested in having relationships at all. Great.

I would try online dating, but I have no money to pay for those things.

I'm a pretty girl - I know that. I have a lot going for me, I know that as well. But this area of my life I just cannot comprehend. I'm so easy-going, but not a pushover. I'll speak my mind and have my own life. I'm not a clingy girlfriend either. I just cannot understand why I'm single and nearly all of my friends are getting MARRIED. What is this!?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not arrogant where I'm telling everyone I'm a great package, but this self confidence is severely killed when there is no evidence that shows me that I truly am a great package....because if a great package is available - wouldn't someone take it?!

I'm frustrated - emotionally and sexually.

What's worse is a let my ex hang around and call when he wants because he's someone who actually seems to want me around in his life. I can't say that about any other guys. At the same time - he and I can't get married because of family and religious restrictions imposed on him by his family. He's not willing to fight. Great.

Will I ever find true love?

Suicidal Ideation

I'm not suicidal. Don't worry. I'll never do anything because it would hurt my family and friends too much. I'm not going to lie though. Sometimes I wish something terrible would happen to me...just so I would have an excuse to leave this program and not look like a coward or weak...or at least to catch a break from this program and get some time to catch up on my life. I'd never put myself into a dangerous situation where something like that would happen. I know this sounds awful, and please don't be angry - but sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to people who love what they are doing in life and love their life...and why those things don't happen to me...when I really want them to happen to me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's honest. It's how I feel.

Time

Time is my enemy. If I didn't have to run around fulfilling all the requirements of my program and getting more actively involved in research projects, then maybe I'd have time to research the things I'm really interested in and write about it.

I feel like I can't spend time with friends. I feel like I can't spend time with family. I feel like I can't travel. I feel like I can't go to the gym. I feel like I can't do the things I'm interested in doing for pleasure because I should be doing work. How can I shake this? I know that I should schedule time in my life for these things, but it just sets me back in all my work that is piling up around me...physically and mentally in my head. I wish I didn't need to sleep. That would solve a lot of problems.

Financial Burdens

Being a graduate student, I pretty much have no money. My stipend goes directly into rent. Anything else goes into food, electric bill, cable bill, internet bill, gas bill, medical bills, and local entertainment. A lot of my money goes directly into my friends' weddings. I wish I could actually enjoy celebrating with my friends in the bachelorette parties and the wedding, but it ruins the experience when all I think about is how much money I have to cough up for these things. It makes it worse when all my friends are making tons of money and I'm not making ANY!

I want to spend money on traveling. My friends get to go all over the country and all over the world and travel, and I can never do that. Where would I get the money for a flight? I don't have time to pick up an extra job. In grad school, we're required to get experience working with different organizations two days a week. We have a listing where we can go interview with different places and then it ends up being a matching process of where you get in for a full year. Well nearly all of those places offer no money. You basically work for free.

My current placement is one that I dread. It's two days out of the week out of my life for a year that I dread. It's miserable. I didn't match anywhere where I wanted to last time and got stuck with this place - my absolute last choice. Today I couldn't get myself out of bed to go in, so I made an excuse and stayed home. I feel guilty, and worried that it'll reflect badly on me and I'll get a bad review at the end of the year. On the other hand - I'm not getting paid anything at all. Why should I feel bad?

I wish I didn't even have to worry about the money I spend on FOOD! I literally have to watch myself and make sure I don't spend too much on food....so that I can find a balance in eating and having a social life and getting bills paid. I get what a struggle it is for people who don't make a lot of money now. I get it. It sucks. It can make life a true struggle.

Graduate School Pressures

I've been in this field for as long as I can remember. It's been close to 8 years now. I just started to pursue my Ph.D. about 2 years ago. I'm really tempted to leave with my masters and quit the program, but I'm mainly worried what everyone will think of me. I just wonder if I'd be happier doing something else in life. I mean generally speaking I think my field is great and I think when I get out I'll be happy - but who knows? Who knows if I'd be happier quitting now and finding something else to do? I feel like I'll never know...

Grad school is a lot of pressure. I am constantly seeing everyone around me actively pursuing research and publishing papers and going to conferences to present their research. I haven't done any of this. I can't get myself to do it. I feel lost. It doesn't help that my mentor doesn't really take the initiative to make sure I'm doing these things. He's more interested in his own line of work.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll even match anywhere good for my internship because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in graduate school. I worry about this a lot.

Me and my mentor are a complete mismatch. I wish I had a mentor who was more interested in what I’m interested in. I’ve tried to find supplemental mentors in the area, but they’re all too busy with their own research to get me involved.

I just feel lost and alone in figuring out how to best use my time in this program.

Graduate school is a dangerous environment. There is a constant flow of competition that I just can't seem to shake. Not that my graduate school comrades are competitive, but the field in general is a competitive one that you're constantly fighting tooth and nail to be one of the best. I can't seem to find the energy to put in that fight. I'm worried I'm not going to succeed.

A Graduate Student's Life

I'm an active blogger. I have another blog where I write about my life, but that blog portrays an optimistic version of myself. This blog is devoted to the honest version of myself.

I'm depressed. I have good days, but mainly bad days. I'm in a Ph.D. program - a full-time graduate student. I am surrounded by family and friends, but still feel miserable most of the time. I've found that writing helps me, but I've never been able to write openly about this topic. I can't even talk openly about this. I don't want people to know I'm depressed. I don't want them to think I'm weak. So I decided to start this blog in hopes that I'd be able to share my journey with the world...but in disguise.

There are a few topics I'd like to discuss. Instead of writing one big long post...I thought I'd break them up into different posts. I feel like I might end up sounding like I'm complaining, and I know how annoying that can be. I just am trying to figure out how to be happy given the situations I'm in. I know people always have it worse...but that doesn't seem to be enough to get me out of this slump. Anyway - for anyone reading...thanks for reading.